Inscrutable exhortations

I feel a tap on my shoulder. Trying to ignore it, I unwittingly give it even more of my attention, and then hear “shouldn’t you be producing something, shouldn’t you be creating something out of all this stuff you’re reading?” I immediately feel worse about what I’m doing. That tap again, and then: “shouldn’t you be feeling better about this? What’s the point of reading for fun if it’s not fun?” Aha, got you, I think to myself. You made me feel bad by asking why I’m not creating something, so you can’t turn around and ask why I’m not feeling better! Logic prevails, but then: “shouldn’t you do something a bit more productive than arguing with yourself?” Like talking to an Indian aunty brick wall, I mumble internally.

I wonder when we let this little monster climb onto our shoulder and whisper an endless series of questions into our ear. Is it elementary, middle, high school? Is it outside of school, an inevitable consequence of whatever status games we end up being surrounded with as a child? Or maybe the monster is always there, and it’s just a question of how much attention we pay to it. Regardless, it’s definitely not a creature of logic and so not something we can reason with – adjusting its volume is probably the best we can do, but probably not with conscious effort.

Since I quit my job on Oct 1 (coincidentally also my second wedding anniversary!), I have become more aware of the should-er and the different ways it shows up while I am trying to be maximally present and live my life. Another manifestation is the thing that is checking my current status – happy and content, or not – at any given moment. Over time, I hope to become more and more aware of these manifestations and trust that they will dissolve naturally, allowing me to participate and appreciate fully what is happening right now. I still think the single best life advice comes from Calvin & Hobbes: